Dream Awake

I have been having these vivid dreams lately, the kind where everything is in perfect clarity and I wake up confused about what exists in my dream world and what exists in my actual world. I have random flashbacks throughout the day of things that happen in my dreams, but they are quickly forgotten.

I have been thinking a lot about dreams lately, and not only the kind that happen while you are sleeping. I’m talking about the life-changing, earth-shattering dreams that happen while you are awake. These are the dreams that creep into your sub-conscious, slowly at first, until they are all you can think about. They start from a tiny seed planted in your head by yourself or maybe someone else and grow into this all-consuming force that you have to talk down daily. Otherwise they will take over your life and force you to make a change because once these dreams exist, there is no way to keep living like you did before they were there.

Just like there is a difference between sleep dreams and awake dreams, there is an obvious difference between being asleep and awake. There are several things you cannot do while you are asleep that you can while you are awake. Like breathing, for instance. Brad is a snorer – which I do not understand at all. I often yell at him in the middle of the night, asking if he has forgotten how to breathe normally. When you are asleep you can’t see. Your eyes are closed and you are unaware of things that are happening around you. You also sometimes can’t hear. I mean, how many times have slept through an alarm??

I say all of that to make this point – sometimes I think we act as if we are asleep when we are really awake. We go through life and pretend like we can’t see the bigger picture that often has been in front of us all along. We are also great at pretending like we can’t hear. Sometimes it is the gentle whisper that we ignore, but sometimes it is the big life-changing earth-shattering dreams that we pretend don’t exist. Breathing isn’t really a huge issue, but are we really experiencing the abundant life as it was meant to be lived?

We pull up excuses like the covers over our head and push the snooze button for what seems like the hundredth time and roll over into a new day. As we are going through our daily routine, the awake dreams start to creep up but we push them back down so we can get through the day, meet the deadline, go home to fix dinner and do it all over again.

I am going to be vulnerable with you about my dreams right now. Maybe if I list them here for all to see, I will find some sort of accountability. Or maybe I just need to know that I am not alone when it comes to having dreams that aren’t being fulfilled. So here they are. Some are vague and broad and some are very specific. My dreams, to name a few:

·        Adopt international children

·        Have children of my own someday

·        Join the PeaceCorps

·        Live overseas

·        Start a Fair Trade store in Madison, IN

·        Be a part of something bigger  

·        Visit my friends in Northern Ireland

·        Be part of a great community

·        Serve the least, the lost, and the broken

·        Love my enemies and work towards peace and reconciliation

·        Educate people about what is going on in the world

·        Advocate for the powerless and empower them

·        Work for an organization like Toms Shoes

·        Get a tattoo that says Jubilee J

I have been blessed with some amazing experiences and opportunities in my life so far. And Brad and I have been incredibly blessed in our marriage. Things have always had a way of working out for us. So am I just some kind of huge selfish jerk who can never be satisfied? Or is it something more? Are these dreams of mine crying to be heard and unsettling my normal life in the process?

We have been having some pretty serious conversations in our household lately. They always start off innocently enough and end with me crying and repeating the phrase “I feel stuck” over and over again until I am pretty sure Brad wants to punch me. One of our options (my favorite one!) is applying for the PeaceCorps. Brad is ok with this option, but he keeps asking me really difficult questions about why I want to do it. I can answer his questions with logical responses, but I know that what he is getting at is a much deeper issue. We recently read this article in Relevant Magazine’s Reject Apathy. The article is called “Saving the World Without Losing Your Soul.” Here is my favorite part (emphasis added):

But building a relationship abroad isn’t the answer if character and conscience haven’t first been examined on the home front. Chris Heuertz has too often seen Christians presume that relocating to a poverty-stricken country will be the answer to a lacking prayer life or deeper sense of nearness to God. Although occasionally this can be true, it’s the exception, not the rule. If not addressed at home, lack of discipline will follow a believer to the field.

“We’re over-saturated with information, and this information has awakened a responsibility,” he says. “But who we are follows us. Going to Kenya isn’t the solution if you can’t live justly at home. You don’t change just because your context does.”

All hope is not lost, however, for those who don’t yet feel like they’re living the way they’re called. The first step, according to Heuertz, is learning to love locally. “The best practice of learning to love the so-called ‘other’ is learning to love the person nearest you,” he says. “The consistency will follow us.”

But I am left with questions. Is this the sleeper’s response and an excuse to not take action? Or is there wisdom in these words? Am I alone in this struggle? Comments greatly appreciated.

Shark Fishing

This blog has been a long time coming. So many things have happened between Easter and now but I feel like I am just now getting a chance to catch up with it all. Please bear with me. My thoughts are kind of all over the place on this one.  

I went shark fishing the other night. For those who know me, this is quite a feat to brag about. I hate fish – in fact, I am terrified of them. Even the tiny ones that swim around your feet in the ocean send me screaming. But I went shark fishing. And I survived.

Since I am not an avid fisher, I was taken by the whole procedure. First you have to touch a dead fish (or have someone else do it for you, which is obviously what I opted to do). Next you cast out your line. And then you wait. If you’re like me, you expect a bite immediately but it takes time. It’s a process. You hold on to the hope that something will catch your line. You stand there for what feels like forever and then it happens. A tug at first, then a pull. Next thing you know you’re screaming and throwing your pole at someone to reel it in for you (or maybe that’s just me…oops). All of this waiting and preparation has finally yielded way to something. 

But what about those nights when you don’t catch anything? You stand there full of hope and anticipation, but nothing comes. You have done everything right – the bait, the casting into the sea, the waiting and hoping. But your efforts are in vain. The sharks will live to see another day. Just like in life, you make a decision to make a change and you throw yourself out there and you feel like nothing is happening. You feel like the enemy has won.

Right now I feel like I am in limbo – that awkward stage between waiting and knowing. I feel something shaking beneath the surface, tugging on my line, but I am still unsure. It is this uncertainty, this fear of the unknown that keeps my feet planted on the ground. But my hope is clinging to the thought that someday soon, things will change.

I regret to inform you that I did not catch anything other than seaweed on my great shark fishing adventure. However, I am pleased to admit that I was content with the process. Standing knee deep in the ocean with the stars all around me, I knew deep down that I am right where I am supposed to be - and I am not just talking about fishing at Vero Beach.

Life is about facing your fears and casting out your line, even when you are afraid of what might be on the other end when it’s all said and done. Sometimes it is the very act of initiation that is your reward in the end. There is a magnet that hangs on my refrigerator that I pass by daily. It reads, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Maybe today is the day to take that advice to heart.