I always think of the right thing to say after the situation has already passed. Usually this just means missing a punch line or some sort of witty reply. But tonight it came in the form of immediate regret. I have been a volunteer mentor at the juvenile correctional facility for nearly two years. I have been mentoring the same girl for the past year and a half. In that time, none of her family has come to visit. No letters have been sent. Two birthdays have come and gone without word from the ones who gave her life. Two Thanksgivings, Christmases, Easters, Halloweens, 4th of Julys. And now they want to send her home - to a place of abuse, neglect, drugs, hatred, and fear. Tonight, during our last visit, one of her friends asked if I loved her. My response was awkward silence followed by, “ummmm uh, that’s a weird question to ask.” Not my finest moment. What I wanted to say - what I should have said but couldn’t, was “Yes. Of course I love her. I think of her as a sister. I want what’s best for her, I want to see her succeed.” I wanted to tell her how strong and brave she is considering everything she has been through. Now I’m afraid she’ll never know. I’m afraid she’ll never know that life doesn’t have to be dark and lonely. There can be so much good. In my perfect world I would take her home with me and show her all the things she has missed out on by being placed in an impossibly hard life from the start. In that perfect world, she would know love and acceptance and she wouldn’t have to fight for attention. But we are stuck in this world - the one that is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. In this world, her dad called and told her that he didn’t want to come get her. In this world, Monday (the day of her supposed release) will come and she will wait for a father who probably won’t show up. And my life will go on too, because in this world it has to. Right now I am struggling to reconcile these two worlds - the one that exists now and the one that I know will someday come.
I want to believe that things will work out, that despite her doubts her family will come and there will be a joyous reunion.
I hold on to the hope that the world we are currently living in - with all the pain and destruction and disappointment - will not last forever.
